Forty Years #10: Too Soon

This is the hardest to share. There is no doubt that I put myself and my calligraphy out into the world too soon. My defense: I didn't know better. But I learned quickly. I wrote this in my journal in 1980:

Ann Schecter’s (art critic for the Lowell Sun and later a good friend) column in the Sunday Sun (met her Friday night)-she said nice things about me, very nice, in relation to exhibit at the Med. Ass. (a medical building that exhibited the work of local artists)-called my script “exquisite and moving” which of course from my eyes isn’t true at all, from this end it’s awkward and static, and I know my opinion is based on greater knowledge and so I feel like a sham, a fake, and while I will say it has renewed my desire to work hard, etc. it has also contributed to my ache in the stomach.

And another time that year:

Am feeling discouraged about my work-my skill is improving but also has a long way to go and I wonder if with my fear and stubbornness and pride I will ever get to be as good as I could/should since I have such a difficult time bringing myself to take a lesson or do probably very constructive things for myself instead of plodding along in the dark-my good points are that I am able to be self-critical, self-disciplined-usually-and that I set high standards for myself, but I wonder if this is enough-can I get by with just that or will I be less because of it? I keep thinking I’d like to be a little better-get to that certain stage before I venture out but will I 1) ever get to that stage or 2) know it when I do or 3) know it but still be too afraid.